No. In fact, the godliest thing you can do is to love yourself (shocking, but keep reading - I explain what I mean further down). However, we have been taught that true humility means not loving ourselves and we view self-esteem as a humanistic worldview issue. Hence, we (some of our churches and ministries) have produced a number of individuals who link their value to how well they follow the rules and the subsequent praise and reassurance they receive as a result. Think about that for a second. We are communicating that a person's worth is based on what they do, not on who they are. Isn't that completely contrary to the message of the Gospel?
You see, legalism, or religious rule following, has produced a number of fear induced, highly insecure, emotionally unhealthy people. They have never been taught to get to know and to like themselves; they have been afraid to explore who they really are (warning: I mean this word healthily – getting to know their own likes/dislikes, etc). They have not been praised for thinking and being their own persons, but for staying in bounds.
A note on legalism: Legalism is a control issue. Legalists want control and are happy with you when you listen and do what they say. They are unhappy with you when you don’t listen and do what they say. They control you by manipulatively and subconsciously attaching your self worth with their acceptance and approval. However, they only approve when you perform appropriately. Hence, they disapprove and you feel unacceptable when you don’t perform appropriately. So, you are conditioned to do what is asked and never to become your own person. You begin to believe that your value is dependent on what you do, not on who you are (or what Jesus Christ thinks of you). Harsh, but true.
What if you have no idea what “legalism” means and did not grow up in a ministry and/or religious home? Well, were you constantly compared to an older, very successful sibling? Did your parents have exceptional standards for you to live up to in the area of athletics, drama, art, music, academics, looks, and friends? If so, then in essence, your parents only acted like they loved you and therefore praised you when you achieved THEIR standards of approval. Legalism.
Now you are an adult and don’t know who you really are, what to really think (not to mention how to think), and you have very few emotionally healthy relationships. You don't value yourself because you don't understand how much you are valued...by God. You are looking for verification from everything and everyone else. You want to know you are okay because you don't feel okay. And you are...because of Jesus Christ and His grace.
God values you as much as He values Jesus. You are a part of the family of God. Why would you want to spit in His face by disliking yourself – the very person HE made in an incredibly intimate, detailed way?
Why are you trying to prove that you are worthy of His love and everyone else's acceptance? Ultimately, deep down, you are afraid you are not good enough. Psalm 139 says you are “fearfully and wonderfully made.” Furthermore, you are “to love your neighbor as yourself” according to Mark 12:31. In fact, loving your neighbor as yourself is the second greatest commandment (per Jesus)! Honestly, most of us do apply this verse to our daily lives, however unbiblically. We don’t like ourselves, so we don’t like anyone else, or very few people. Have you ever thought of that? You may be struggling relationally because you don’t like yourself. So, if someone treats you well and likes you, you are reassured you are okay and you like yourself. Moreover, you are desperate for a “following”, a clone system, because if people are just like you, then your worth is confirmed. Hence, we have thwarted the definition of discipleship to fill our own emotionally unhealthy needs.
Why are you trying to prove that you are worthy of His love and everyone else's acceptance? Ultimately, deep down, you are afraid you are not good enough. Psalm 139 says you are “fearfully and wonderfully made.” Furthermore, you are “to love your neighbor as yourself” according to Mark 12:31. In fact, loving your neighbor as yourself is the second greatest commandment (per Jesus)! Honestly, most of us do apply this verse to our daily lives, however unbiblically. We don’t like ourselves, so we don’t like anyone else, or very few people. Have you ever thought of that? You may be struggling relationally because you don’t like yourself. So, if someone treats you well and likes you, you are reassured you are okay and you like yourself. Moreover, you are desperate for a “following”, a clone system, because if people are just like you, then your worth is confirmed. Hence, we have thwarted the definition of discipleship to fill our own emotionally unhealthy needs.
If someone doesn’t’ like you, you feel horrible about yourself and have a pity-party (and those look different for everybody: sarcastic cynicism, anger, resentment, blame, etc). You write the person off and never give the opportunity for restitution.
The healthiest thing you can do is to love yourself – and let me clarify what I mean: Realize you have value and are valued by the God of the Universe. He equates you to His Son. Pretty powerful stuff, huh? You don't need people to reassure you that you are okay. You don't need praise to pump you up with confidence. You are self-assured because the Holy Self (the Holy Spirit) lives in you. You have Christ's life!
Practically, keep a list of those things you like and dislike. Take care of your body and glorify God for how you look and feel. Appreciate your quirks – don’t take yourself seriously. I don’t mean be critically humorous, but enjoy yourself. As you are sure of who you are, you will not waste energy trying to protect and prove yourself. You will be able to love others biblically: Regardless of how they love you, because you are resting in the unconditional, unmerited love of God for you.
Practically, keep a list of those things you like and dislike. Take care of your body and glorify God for how you look and feel. Appreciate your quirks – don’t take yourself seriously. I don’t mean be critically humorous, but enjoy yourself. As you are sure of who you are, you will not waste energy trying to protect and prove yourself. You will be able to love others biblically: Regardless of how they love you, because you are resting in the unconditional, unmerited love of God for you.
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