Dear Ministry Kid...

Dear Ministry Kid,

You grew up in a home with parents who love Jesus and you. Honestly, I could stop this letter right here and you would have more than enough to be thankful about. God placed you in a family that most do not have and more cannot maintain. Your parents deserve your respect for forfeiting jobs that would have paid more to follow Jesus and your forgiveness for not doing everything right in raising you. I know you have some push back here…most of you are so scarred from ministry that you cannot separate the forest from the trees. Please know I understand and am so burdened for our generation of bruised, hurting, wandering, needy Ministry Kids. We have to turn the tide for future generations (and my kids!). Hence, this series of blogs.

Satan has perverted two amazing opportunities: godly parents and life in ministry. Some of you blame your parents for the unhealthy effects their ministry has had on you. Please separate your parents from their ministry. I understand that being in the ministry automatically moves you into a glass house. I also realize that those whom you minister to carry big rocks and wait to throw them whenever they see something they don’t like (any wonder where your wounds came from?). However, I really believe that when you felt like your parents were being “too strict” to you and/or “too loyal” to the ministry, they were ultimately trying to protect their family from one more attack. If you stayed in line, you wouldn’t have to dodge the rocks, or so they thought.  Doesn’t always make it right…it’s just the facts. More on this point later.

When I think about my childhood, I have many fond memories. I loved going with my dad to a youth event that he organized and/or spoke at. I looked forward to summer camp. I enjoyed visiting new churches. I know that because of his ministry, I have a close-knit family. However, the pressure put on our family to perform to a certain caliber and the fear of failure that ensued was enough to cause a couple of unwelcome ripples in my life. Please understand, I am not blaming “ministry”. I am just saying that because we are imperfect people living in a less than perfect world, even “ministry” can become a snare. Unfortunately, because it is “ministry”, we are afraid to critique it and face the facts. However, if we want different results, we have to do things differently.

The honest truth is that many of the children of missionaries and pastors end up broken inside. In fact, the brokenness is becoming epidemic. Most of my friends I grew up with in the ministry are really struggling, me included (and I am a Pastor’s Wife!). Why?  In my opinion, it is for two reasons: pressure and fear.

In  the ministry world, we are very likely to develop idols…you know, those people whom we are convinced hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil. Those individuals that we are to model our lives, families and ministries off of.  For most of us, this ends up really badly for two reasons:

1.   You are not perfect. No matter how hard you try, you will never be as good as your idol, because remember, you probably have never seen a flaw or this person would not be worshipped by you. You put so much pressure on yourself to perform to the same standards you believe your idol is performing at, that you internally self-combust. Insert all sorts of addictions here.

2.   Your idol is not perfect. You will either see a flaw and grow disillusioned, or your expectations will inadvertently put so much pressure on said individual that he/she has an emotional breakdown. Any wonder why so many people in ministry end up addicted to pornography? They need an escape for all of the pent up frustration and anger inside that they are not allowed to express due to crazy expectations (glass houses and big rocks).

Honestly, I have been both idolized and an idolater. The only solutions to either situation are to be so real people can’t develop unhealthy views of me and to be sure the only person I idolize is Jesus.

What about fear? Wow…this could take a whole book to discuss. If you are growing up/have grown up in a ministry (church, mission field, organization, etc), you are in a breeding zone for fear. If you are not careful, you will begin to think that your particular ministry’s rules and guidelines are the only way to live. You may even start to hold these regulations equal with Scripture. I am not bashing standard of conducts…they are necessary for unity…I strongly believe that. However, when they become the standard for holiness, I have issues. And this is a slippery slope. It is so easy to believe that “our” way of doing things is the “only way”. Ministries can begin to use their standard of conducts as a form of manipulation for control. In other words, if an individual veers away from the guidelines, he/she is viewed as sinning, even if he/she is not living in contradiction to the Bible. Honestly, forget the veering…if an individual even questions the codes, he/she is made to feel uncomfortable, unwanted, and ungodly. Not to mention guilty. Enter the fear. Who wants to feel this way? No one. Here’s what happens: In an attempt to drown out these feelings, Ministry Kids will either embrace a lifestyle entirely contradictory to how they were raised or will so adhere to how they were raised they become an emotional basket case unable to make their own decisions. Neither option is right or healthy…but how sad that we as Ministry Kids only feel like there are two options. I strongly believe that we can find solutions to this epidemic…we just have to be willing to take an honest look (notice I have used this word A LOT in this blog…honesty is the only catalyst for change, but honesty is hard and humiliating sometimes) at what we are doing because what we are doing up to this point is not working.

Too many kids are the products of legalistic ministries and cannot think on their own and are desperately insecure of who they are and what they want to be. No more. You, Ministry Kid, are valued, important, unique, and allowed to be yourself. Start figuring out who that is and embrace it. Jesus embraces you.

I have just highlighted some of the issues in this blog and more than likely raised a lot of questions. I will give answers. However, we have to see the problems and some of us have to be given the freedom to come out into the open and say, "Yes! This is me! I need help! I am done pretending and/or running!"

Stay tuned for more blogs on “Dear Ministry Kid…” and solutions.