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| My mom and I :) |
Mothers tend to believe (even sub-consciously) that their daughters are extensions of themselves. So, if the daughter strays from or does something different than what she has been taught by her mother, the mother experiences confusion, pain, disappointment. Ironically, daughters desperately want to please their mothers, but they also want to develop into their own persons. So, tension develops.
Satan is really clever. He plays on mothers’ insecurities and baggage. He convinces them that if their daughters don’t turn out a particular way, the mom is to blame. Consequently, mothers tend to be very controlling. They ultimately want what is best for their daughters, which they believe is different than what their moms gave them. They are terrified of feeling like a failure with their daughters.
Daughters react to this control. They want to be seen and invited. They want to be seen for who they are as individuals and invited to be themselves. However, remember, moms, out of fear, tend to be controlling because if the daughter is left to be herself, what if she does something stupid? Does that mean the mom failed? So, I repeat: Tension develops.
We cannot forget that we are all born with a sin nature and this sin nature gets passed down from generation to generation. Our parents are prone to certain sins due to their parents’ sin natures. So, it is safe and logical to say that a daughter will inherent some baggage from her mother’s sin nature. Please realize I am not blaming the mother. Honestly, some of you moms should breathe a sigh of relief. You put so much pressure on yourself to be the “perfect mother” and beat yourself up now that your daughter is grown and you see some of your sinful tendencies in her life. You feel as though you have failed. You haven’t. In case you have forgotten, you are human, so you have a sin nature, as does your daughter. She will fail, not because you failed, but because she is a sinner. The fact that she is a sinner makes her in desperate need of the Savior. This is the Gospel 101.
Here’s the thing: Mothers and daughters have baggage. Couple that to the tension that already exists between mothers wanting their daughters to succeed and daughters wanting to be their own persons. Is it any wonder, then, why we need healing in our relationships? We are all in the same boat. I don’t care how amazing you or your mom is (and I am sure you both are…my mom is awesome), but you have to work through stuff…in both of your lives.
How do you go about doing this? First, you stop blaming your mom for your sin (because this is where the healing starts: looking into your past, discovering your baggage, and dealing with it). You have a sin nature. Even if your mom would have been the “world’s best”, you would still have crap to deal with in your own life. However, you realize that as a woman, you have “life” to offer. If you are a believer, you have Christ’s life to offer. Because Christ lives in you, you have the victory over sin. Instead of focusing on your baggage, which will only lead to self-medication and death (Romans 8), focus on Christ by abiding in Him, obeying His commandments, and acting in faith (taken from Grace Walk). Notice what comes first though: abiding in Him. What does abiding mean?
Abiding means that you realize that you don’t have to do anything at all to convince God to love you. If you never read your Bible or prayed again, if you never lead another Bible study or discipled another person, God would still love you, accept you, and yearn for intimacy with you. He is not surprised or disappointed by your failures. He forgave you and your shortcomings 2000 years ago (refer to my “Don’t Ask for Forgiveness” blog). You are righteous and worth Jesus Christ to God. Just enjoy Him and His presence. When you do this, you will obey automatically. But obedience divorced from love is religion and detestable to God (a.k.a. Pharisaical).
So when you are abiding in Christ, you have the life of Christ to offer to other people…specifically your mom. You may not realize this, but if you are feeling unloved, unaccepted, or hurt, then your mom probably is too. Wow. That’s tough. Again, Satan is clever and pits mothers and daughters against each other, deceiving them into believing that their particular sin is the others’ fault. We have sin because of our sin natures, and we inherited our sin nature ultimately from Adam and Eve.
Praise Jesus the Second Adam offers grace, peace, and restoration.
Mom, I love you and respect you with all of my heart. Thank you for modeling how to be an incredible, creative, loving, gentle, faithful mother and a supportive, adoring, constant, stable wife. You are an inspiration and an example to me. I love you for who you are, not what you do. I thank you for how you have raised me and protected me. You are the woman!!! J
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