Brokenness

“When we were overwhelmed by sins, you forgave our transgressions. Blessed are those you choose and bring near to live in your courts!” 

Psalm 65:3-4

I have a number of close friends and family members that I have seen wrestle with the devastating effects of their sin. I have been privy to the statements, condemnations, judgments, consolations, and even prophecies that have been spoken over their lives. If you have ever lived through a season of “reaping what you have sown” as I have, you know firsthand how quickly the Pharisees come running out of the wood-work bent on making sure you understand that what has just happened must not and cannot ever happen again.

I think my angst comes from this: After a season of about 6 months of living through absolute Hell due to emotional problems and then sinful decisions made to self-medicate those problems, I really didn’t need anyone telling me how bad I was or that these behaviors needed to stop and never happen again. I knew it. O Lord, You know I knew it. I was so broken, so devastated, so utterly ruined by who I had become, I didn’t even recognize my own reflection in the mirror. I was terrified. And it was in one moment, face down on the floor of our bedroom, that I just called out to God from the depths of my heart. Even typing this is making me emotional. I told Him I was nothing. I had nothing. And if He was real, if He truly was my Savior, then the only way I was ever going to go on living was to be reminded in that moment that He could heal me. And I’m not lying to you when I say that I heard Jesus Christ whisper His love to me. Right then. Right there. And I was never the same.

See, I think that’s what true brokenness is - When our sin is so devastating to us that nothing more surprises us. And when all we have to cling to in those moments is the fact that He loves us. In the past I could’ve made myself feel better by listing my spiritual accomplishments, or those I had discipled, or the many ways in which I was serving. But God broke me down day after day for about a year where I literally was stripped spiritually and emotionally bare before Him and others. Yes, my clinical depression and anxiety, my emotional issues, my sin, was exposed to others. Never before had that been the case. However, my humiliation pushed me to the cross. Quite literally, that’s all I had. I had Jesus. And if He didn’t come through for me in that moment on the floor, then I am not sure what would have happened next.

I believe brokenness looks different for each of us but one thing is the same for all of us: When God truly strips you bare and leaves you face down before Him wherever that is, you know. You know He has just revealed the depths of your sinful heart to you. And you know that you will never understand the Gospel and it’s life-altering ramifications better than you do in that moment. And you will never interact with Him the same again because you quite literally have nothing more or left to prove. There is a freedom that comes from true brokenness. A freedom that is often misinterpreted. But a freedom that I will defend the rest of my life.

Our church, Centerpoint Church, ministers to hundreds of broken people every week. And I am here to tell you that we celebrate Prodigals coming home every week. I won’t lie: Sometimes it is hard not to want to put them on some sort of probation to prove their true repentance. But all I can do is to remember my story and the fact that the Father came running to me when I was most helpless: Facedown in our dark bedroom. Unable to offer or prove anything. And He changed the trajectory of my life. When we stop trying to prove to God why He shouldn’t love us and just determine to accept His uncoditional love, grace and forgiveness for us, He does a miracle. And it may look to outsiders like He is letting us off the hook. All I can say, we know otherwise. And that truth saved and sustains our lives.