March 9, 2013

Mommy Life: Redeeming the Ugly Stuff

Okay...so I am feeling a little "out of sorts" today and need to write it out - so to speak (there were multiply puns in that one statement...awesome). The problem with being a blogger is the fact that everyone knows what I am struggling with - and why - because the only way for me to process is to write. Awesome again. Don't worry...this should be quick today. I don't even have my Bible out. Just some thoughts.

Nothing will drudge up all of your "stuff" - old or new - like a baby. If I thought marriage was a sanctifying process (the first year especially...whew the first year), then being a mommy is sanctification on steroids. Boy oh boy. Day after day it's a struggle for me to find my identity in Jesus Christ and His unconditional acceptance of me...not in whether my daughter rolls over, drinks from a bottle, self-soothes, sleeps in her crib, coos, laughs, and so on. If everything goes "right" one day, I am flying high. If we have a night like last night because I was "feeling behind the other moms" and we are up until 2 AM unnecessarily because I forced something (run-on sentence, I know), then I feel like a complete failure and struggle to keep perspective the next day (today). If you are like, "What the heck, Nicole...seriously? These are the 'issues' (and you are using that word lightly, aren't you?) that you are battling with?" Then you probably aren't a mom (cause I guarantee that even if your "babies" are teeny-tiny, you are still anxious over their schooling, sports, extracurricular activities, appearance, friends, so on). And if you are a mom, please, share your secret to peace...because I can't seem to find it. My insecurity is fueling my incessant need to feel in control of everything and consequently I am impossible to live with. I feel like right now I am in this rat-race to keep up with all of the "other moms" who have it "all-together". Seriously? Who has it all-together? But doesn't it feel like that sometimes ladies...like we are in this race to keep up with each other...well, to have our kids keep up with each other...I guess to have our kids be "ahead of the game" so we can keep up with each other or be one step ahead? Why oh why?

"But God Who is rich in mercy..." I am so thankful for the "But God" moments in my life, aren't you? Jesus, Your mercies are new every morning. I need those mercies today. I need You to cleanse my heart of my pride (all about me), which fuels my insecurity (proving it's all about me), which ignites my need to control (keeping it all about me). I need You to remind me that I am loved, accepted, worthwhile, and secure...not based on being a "good mom" (whatever the h-e-double-hockey-sticks that means), but based on the fact that You came and died on the cross for me proving Your love for me...while I was still in my sin. Forgive me for turning to lesser things right now to feel okay about myself when You are standing there with Your nail-scared hands open offering peace and safety. Forgive me for not enjoying the moment...living in thankfulness...looking up. Help me to see that life is so much bigger than me...it's You. I love You. Amen.  

1 comment:

  1. Wow! Yes! So encouraging to see that being in Christ is better than "having it all together." I'm going to remember that today when I find I can't accomplish those last couple tasks on my to-do list. (The ones that have been there on the list for several days now). Thanks for telling us the gospel today!

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