January 18, 2014

Bitterness = Exhaustion

Forgiveness. I write a lot about it. But here's the deal: Bitterness can infiltrate every aspect of your life and begin to deteriorate all the progress grace has made.

I have been battling with an unresolved issue in my heart since October. I just thought it was maybe excess emotion...I didn't realize my lack of forgiveness had actually morphed into bitterness and it was attacking my identity.

You see, when we refuse to forgive, it is almost as if we feel the person(s) who hurt us see us and therefore make us less than who we really are. We don't want to forgive because then they will get away with what they did. And we want to prove we are more than what they think we are.

Bottom line: We aren't finding our identity in Jesus Christ. If we were, it wouldn't matter what people did to us. We could offer the same grace and forgiveness Jesus offered us on the Cross. We would be so confident in what He declares over our lives, we wouldn't live and die by what others say or do. They wouldn't control us.

I'm tired. I am tired of my bitterness. I am tired of feeling less than and thinking I have to prove myself. I am just tired.

Jesus, I want to rest in Your declarations over my life. I want You to swallow up my identity.

January 14, 2014

Afraid of God

"Now I know how fearlessly you fear God..." (Genesis 22:12)

Wow. Just let that verse sink in for a moment.

"...How fearlessly you fear God."

This morning, I was reading about when God asked Abraham to sacrifice his son Isaac. The son that was promised to him. The son that took him years upon years upon years to have. The son that came after Sarah had doubted and offered Hagar. The son that came after loads of hurt, marital frustration, lies, conniving, deceit, and abuse. Just read the account of Abraham and Sarah in Genesis. It's not pretty...at all.

And then the Promised Son arrives. And God wants him as a sacrifice.

Now that we have Brooke, I cannot even fathom this request from God. Can't.even.fathom.

All I know is that Abraham "fearlessly feared God". He wasn't afraid of God. Wasn't fearful that God was out to get him, destroy him, take away his good things, ruin his life. He wasn't afraid. And that made the difference.

So I have to ask myself...am I afraid of God? Afraid of what He will ask of me? Do I not see Him as my loving Heavenly Father Who spared nothing to rescue me from Hell?

God, forgive me for fearing You and as a result, not living in surrender. Forgive me for so often living in self-protection mode from You. How that must break Your heart.